How not to build a team

So, in my long career I have had the misfortune to be dragged to many “team building days”. I have always hated them and in the early days conveniently booked the day off, until management got wise to that trick and wouldn’t let me. After misbehaving badly at 2 of these “events’ I thought it better if I leave that particular organisation and went to a much better one that only made me endure team building once, and after complaining to my boss about it, never went to one there again.

However, for reasons too stupid to bore you with (or bore you even more with) I ended up working somewhere else sometime later. At my interview for this disaster I asked them about these team building events and was told that they never did them, hated them too and I would never have to endure one.

Can you see where this is going?

After a few months at this cult, I mean company, I heard murmurs that my department had been selected to have one of these nightmares. Ah I said confidently, they promised me about this - no problem!

So the invite duly arrives for the day, and my day off request is refused. Next, I was called to a meeting where the head of my bit of the company and the “training advisor” (whatever the hell that is), performed a little play in front of me as I cringed so much my back hurt. “No no” said one, “this will not be your normal training day, this will be something incredible!”, “ah hah” replied the other “good good! I hate those days and I am so glad this wonderful organisation isn’t putting it’s staff through one of those!”. Then they both turned to me and smiled and didn’t seem to want to explain what the hell that little show was.

I pointed out to them that I had been told I wouldn’t have to go on this ordeal, but apparently they hadn’t quite meant what I thought, despite that being their exact words. Silly me! Also, and this will come up again later, after much arguing with the boss, my promotion to senior designer had been agreed. I wasn’t that excited about it as I had actually thought I was senior designer anyway but that was my stupid fault for not reading my contract properly. Anyhow, I didn’t ask for more money, just the title.

A couple of weeks before Doomsday, an email arrived with a link to a test that was needed to completed before the big day. A personality test! Having no personality, I ignored it until a few days before the “event” where I was ordered to do it. I filled it in without really reading it, and got a “confidential” report back a few days later with incredible insights about me. For example, a question asked “do you prefer to work in a team or individually?” to which I obviously replied individually. Incredibly, the report then informed me that I preferred to work alone. How this level of insight could be achieved so quickly I am still unable to explain and clearly amazing minds were at work here.

The day arrived and started well as my train was delayed meaning I got to the venue for this shitshow late. When I did finally ruin things with my presence, things began with a little speech from one of the big cheeses of the company. It may have been great (pretty sure it wasn’t) but I was pretty irritated already and didn’t really listen though he did keep saying how great my boss was. We had differing opinions there.

The first step of this torture was to discuss the results of our “confidential” personality reports which I noted the “training advisor” had in front of him on the table. Nicely confidential then. The task was that each person would say something or read something from the report that surprised or interested them, though this was not compulsory. Gems such as “I work best when I’m inspired” and “I find I work better when the task is clear” created an atmosphere filled with the blindingly obvious. I was only half paying attention as I was trying to convince myself to not be my usual difficult self and just go along with it. For once, just play along, accept it. My resolve to behave was being chipped away at by the smug look on the 2 people running this “workshop” (as Alexi Sayle once said, the only people who should be able to use the word workshop should work in engineering) and the smile the boss gave me. Blood began to boil.

Finally, it was my turn as I seemed to be last. My mind said something about being a team player despite my preference for working alone. My mouth however seemed to say “No. It’s not compulsory so no. Nothing in this report surprised me anyway.” There was an awkward silence before my boss smirked in a way that would have driven Gandhi to violence and said “are you sure?” 

“Totally.” One of the few people in the company I actually liked asked me if maybe I wanted to say something about myself instead that maybe wasn’t covered in the report. I didn’t.

From that promising beginning, the day continued pointlessly. A few videos were shown whose meaning was lost on me. There was a section on feedback, which we had been told was how to receive and give feedback on design work, which was actually relevant. Somehow there had been a miscommunication and instead we got an hour on how to give feedback on people you think are shit at their jobs and how best to grass them up to management. Inspiring.

There was a section where we given a list of words and sent out around Oxford to take photos that symbolised these words and I was grateful to the person who had come up with this bit as it was interesting and the only part of the day that was tolerable, although wandering around on my own I did wonder how this was helping us to be a team. Luckily for you, I have tried to make this post more tolerable by adding a few of those photos.

The day ended and it was suggested we all go for a drink together to wind down after such a wonderful day. Pubs were suggested, but I was already half way to the train station, frustrated, disappointed and depressed. No change there then.

The next day, back in the cult headquarters, I returned to my desk after the customary sacrifice was given at the altar. Called into a meeting, I was informed my promotion was cancelled, which I could see gave my boss no small amount of joy, as he was barely attempting to conceal it. It was only then that I realised the obvious - by behaving the way I had, I had given him exactly what he wanted. He said that we could revisit it in six months so long as he was happy with my behaviour and attitude, and we could perhaps have weekly meetings to see how it was going. Given the choice between that and having my scrotum torn into by a bunch of starving hunting dogs, I was already smearing the dog food on my dangly parts and getting into position. 

I had already been talking to my boss from my previous employer about a comeback and any doubts I had about that were gone. A couple of weeks later I got the call to say it was done and I took great pleasure in quitting. When asked why, I replied they had screwed me out of a promotion. It was your attitude replied the boss. Childishly, I replied I didn’t think much of his attitude either.

Driving out onto the main road on my last day to go home, I breathed a sigh of relief, happy that I would never have to go there again.